Too Much Sorrow

She is gone
And yes it is hard to believe as it is hard to believe as it is hard to believe as it is hard to believe as it is hard to believe as it is hard to believe as it is hard to believe

Remember the eyes
Sharp and volcanic
That is where the joy is.

⚡

Isn't it ridiculous that we, as human-beings, don't know why we exist?

You are not here, this is obvious.
But the question is, do you even exist?

He Sena

Eski yazılarımı okudum ve beni  bunalttılar. Kim bilir o zamanlar ben kendimi ne kadar bunaltıyormuşum.
Daha doğrusu hissettiklerim beni ne kadar daraltıyormuş.
Düşüncelerimi, davranışlarımı, yaşantımı. Daraltıyormuşum.
İyi ki şimdi o hisler içerisinde kaybolmuş halde değilim.
Şu anda farklı, yine zorlukları olan ama en azından daha net hisler içerisindeyim.
Tek zorluğu özlem. "Long distance relationship"
Ama geri dönüp bakınca keşke dediğim hiçbir şey yok. Kaldı ki o bunalışların bana hayata, kendime ve ilişkilere dair pek çok şey öğrettiğini görüyorum.
Eskiden olduğumdan çok daha güçlüyüm, kendimin farkındayım ve ayaklarım yere daha güvenli basıyor.  Ah Antwerp, I've learnt so much from you, I've gained so much from you.
Bütün bu içinden geçmiş olduğum sürecin bu doğrultuda evrileceğinin de farkındaydım ve bunun için de seviniyordum. Şimdi olduğum yerden mutluyum fakat geleceklere karşı her zaman tetikteyim.
I am more aware of myself and my surroundings.

Ah!

Yes it burns.
This is how i exactly imagined it.
It burns my chest and ties my throat.

There is my little cat on my bed.
There is a man I love thousands of kilometers away.
Why can't I have both?

I fell for the guy.
I love the guy.
My guy.
My man.

And it hurts my memories to know that there isn't a certain date we'll see each other.
The only thing I know is I love him and he loves me back too.

That was all I've wanted.

Again crying. And I'm going to cry more for sure.

If there is someone sees everything from above, it knows I miss his everything.
His smell, his voice, his hair, chatting with him, listening to songs with him... why the hell am I writing I simply miss his EVERYTHING.

Cold wind doesn't help too. Adds up more weird feeling to the ones I already have now.

I just cannot stop the time. It is impossible. That makes me feel so vulnerable and small.

I even miss how he says "impossible" too.

I fell for the guy.

He said "this is even worse than breaking up" on our last night.
That was true. That is true.

Now I feel so tired but also so shitty thag shittiness keeps me awake.

I just want to hug him and sleep. This is all I want. To smell his hair, kiss him on the lips, hug him and sleep.

This burns.