Bazen öyle seyler düşünüyorum ki o düşüncelere bağlı kalıp onların üstünde yoğunlaşırsam onların esiri olacağımı biliyorum, bu da yaşlılığımda hayatımı nasıl geçirdiğimi düşündüğümde hayal kırıklığı hissetmeme yol acar.Bir anlık esiri değil bir omurluk esirleri olurum.
O yüzden bazı düşünceler geldigi zaman onları geri itiyorum.
Arada sırada aklıma geliyorlar, düşünmemeye çalışırken cok kısa sürede olsa yeni seyleri fark ediyorum, adım adım iletliyor.
Bir gün yeni bir 'tutsaklik' keşfetmenden korkuyorum.
Ve onu yaşamaktan cok daha fazla korkuyorum.
Ama yaşamadıkca bunlarla bas edip edemeyeceğini bilemem, onceden bakınca insan en kötüsünü kuruyor. Belki de bas ederim çünkü gucluyum.
Neyse, kendi düşüncelerimin esiri olmamak dileğiyle...

En düzgün sigaramı sardım biraz önce


"Onun unutamadığın hayali,
Sigaradan derin bir nefes çekmişçesine dolar içine"

Ruhu besleyen her şey kabulümdür

"Ben sosyal hayatıma daha çok önem veriyorum"
"Evet hiçbir bok yapamamandan belli oluyor"

5 days ago I had a panic attack, I'm not sure if it was a panic attack, but when I searched the internet, I found people who wrote the same things that I felt.

My mind was captured by crazy thoughts, I was trapped into my boddy and life was always going to be like that.I was deeply feeling the fear of the dead.My heart was like a running motor, it was fast, really fast.

All the things started when I tried to sleep, I got up and did lots of things to calm myself down. Thank god I know things to do in a situation like that, otherwise I could be dead, maybe not but I was thinking like that, that I was going to have a heart attack and kill myself. My body was shaking, a part of my left arm was tingled. Damn, I never want to live a moment -even a second- like that.

I was like that for 4 hours, maybe few hours more.

I still remember a little bit.I was holding my head and saying to myself "I will be fine, I will be fine", " Few more hours than I will calm down and fall asleep eventually", "You won't die, don't be stupid".

I was paranoid. I can't find the exact word to explain the feeling that I felt, It was a wrong and a insecure feeling.

I always said to myself  "Stay with reality, yes you are now, stay with it". But it was hard to hold on to the reality because my thoughts were dominant at that time. I wonder what I did in the moments that I can't remember now. When I tried to sleep again and again, I couldn't sleep because of the noise of my heart.

Man, I really thought that I was going to die.

Whatever, I'm with reality now.

That night was the most scariest night of my life.

But the thing that scares me now is that, what if I really trapped in those moments and these are only the visions of my insane brain.I don't really think like that but what if it is like that..

They say that if you feel any pain you are in the reality, my back is aching now, I choose to believe that.

Do not even go green.

How could she know that I smoke it?
She sees through her dreams.

Trust no-one dearest.